Perfect
by Don'tReadMyStories
Summary: This is a songfic for the song "Skin And Bones" by Marianas Trench. Jackson struggles with both bulimia and anorexia.


I stepped into the bathroom, then closed the door behind me. I then walked over to the shower and twisted the knobs for both the hot and cold water as far as they would go.

Next, I came to stand in front of the mirror, which was above the counter in the bathroom. I could see everything that was located between my hips and my head. I observed my reflection harshly, noting every flaw. I felt as though my clothes were tight on my skin. My cheeks seemed to be puffier than normal, and my fingers looked like short stubs. My jaw line didn't seem to be as defined as it had been before my over-four-thousand-calorie binge, but I can't remember tasting anything that I'd eaten.

_I lock the door  
><em>_Turn all the water on  
><em>_And bury that sound  
><em>_So no one hears anything anymore_

I pulled off my black t-shirt. I only wear black when I have a baggy hoodie on because black makes people look thinner, and, if I get any thinner, someone will notice what I'm doing. I'd taken my hoodie off in my bedroom. I reconnected with the mirror. Through my eyes, I could barely spot the six-pack that was usually a resident of my body. To me, my stomach looked like a few small hills. No one else sees them, but the mirror doesn't lie. They're there, and they're fairly easy for me to find.

_Mirror lie to me  
><em>_Tell me you can see  
><em>_Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now_

I turned my body toward the shower so that I could look at the reflection of a different angle. There was a bump where my stomach was, which made me feel larger than a pregnant lady. I slumped down to my normal posture and felt the layers of my skin overlap each other. My arms were chubby and round. I pinched some of the fat that had settled itself onto my bicep. I frowned at this.

My stomach was cramping, and I felt as though I would puke. But I've been used to this feeling for quite some time. It'd first been caused by not eating, which I rarely do anymore, for it could lead to a binge, which carries shame and depression. It was one of many reasonable prices to pay to get smaller.

_I know you can feel  
><em>_All the things you steal  
><em>_And you're taking it  
><em>_And you're taking it_

I suddenly felt all of the food that I'd just eaten slither up my esophagus. I was quick to turn around so that I was hunched over the toilet. My left hand (the dominant one) found it's way to my huge stomach. I could feel it shrinking as vomit escaped my mouth.

My throat and nose were burning. Even my cheeks were sore. I watched all of the colors swirl together as they hit the water.

When I got a break, I flushed the toilet. Before the throw up had disappeared, I was at it again. I weakly dropped onto my knees and rested my forearms onto the shiny, white seat. My hands were clenched into fists. My knuckles had a few scrapes, for I used to have to provoke the vomit before it would leave me.

_Feeling so easy  
><em>_Make me skin and bones  
><em>_I'm always on my knees for you  
><em>_Break like it's even  
><em>_When you're leaving and  
><em>_Thin where the h*ll have you been_

I panted for breath as I lazily reached my arm up to flush the toilet again. I stayed on the floor for a few moments so that I could catch my breath. I wiped my mouth off with the back of my hand, then pushed myself to my feet and turned on the faucet. I washed my hands, then brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth out with mouthwash.

_Sometimes it burns  
><em>_Maybe I'll wash it out  
><em>_It all looks so big  
><em>_Never mind I don't feel anything_

I looked at my reflection again. My cheeks seemed to be sunken in. My jaw was sharp, and my Adam's apple was more noticeable now that I'd lost a chin. My ribs were so distinct that I could count each and every one of them. My sides curved inward slightly where my ribcage ended.

"Cody?"

Sh*t. It's Elaine.

I took a step toward the door as I rubbed my hand nervously through the hair on the back of my head. I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks. "Um, I'm in the shower," I called over the roar of the water.

The door suddenly opened to reveal my foster mother. Her arms were crossed over her chest. Melissa stood behind her, peeking over her shoulder.

_It only hurt a bit  
><em>_And I still feel like sh*t  
><em>_And I think you won't be able to recognize me now_

Elaine's eyes moved up and down my torso. She seemed extremely surprised, as if she'd been proved wrong about something, but her face didn't lose its stern expression.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I wasn't sure what to say. I was filled with a number of emotions: shame, anger, nervousness, humiliation, relief, betrayal. I looked at Melissa. "You told her?"

Melissa was the first and only person~until Elaine~to know about my bulimia and anorexia. She was already suspicious when I never ate school lunch or when I declined if all of my friends invited me to go out somewhere to eat. She'd caught me throwing up after a huge binge one day. I'd felt so ashamed, and I didn't feel any better after I'd cried and practically begged her not to tell anyone.

Melissa started to apologize, but she stopped herself when she realized that she wasn't sorry.

_It's easier to quit  
><em>_It's harder to admit  
><em>_And you're pushing me  
><em>_You're f*cking pushing me_

"Cody, what are you thinking?" Elaine asked with her arms still crossed.

I was now leaning against the wall with my head lowered and my eyes on the floor. So I guess that my secret's out. There's no denying it. So what do I say? I decided to take the attention off of me by pretending to be the mad one. "I thought that you were my friend," I said to Melissa.

"I am, Jackson. I just-"

"Whatever." I started to storm out of the bathroom when Elaine gripped my shoulder and pushed me back so that I couldn't pass them.

"You apologize to her, young man," Elaine commanded. "She saved your life. You could die by doing this."

Obviously the guilt tactic wasn't going to work with Elaine. I avoided their eyes by looking to my left at the reflection in the mirror. My stomach didn't seem as large as it had been before I'd thrown up. I looked down at my body for what felt like an eternity before I put my eyes that were glistening with tears back on Elaine. My soft voice cracked slightly. "I'm sorry. I wasn't small enough."

_Feeling so easy  
><em>_Make me skin and bones  
><em>_I'm always on my knees for you  
><em>_Break like it's even  
><em>_When you're leaving and  
><em>_Thin where have you been_

"What are you talking about, Cody? You were perfect." Elaine's face now showed concern and sympathy.

"But I didn't feel perfect." A single tear quickly streamed down my cheek. It slowed down when it passed my mouth, irritating my skin. I wiped it away and sniffled.

'_Cause you always win  
><em>_And you oh  
><em>_Yeah_

"Cody, you're a very smart and extremely handsome young gentleman. You're beautiful just the way you are."

"But am I small enough?" I separated my words and emphasized the important ones.

"Cody, guys that are your age are supposed to weigh, like, a hundred and sixty. I bet you don't weigh an ounce over one hundred thirty-five, do you?"

I shook my head.

"How much do you weigh?"

My voice was barely above a whisper. I felt ashamed and fat when I said, "One-twenty-one."

"Cody, this is dangerous."

"I know. I'm sorry."

_Laughing like it works  
><em>_Bleeding like it don't hurt  
><em>_Knock you off your feet  
><em>_Even if you need me  
><em>_Tear you apart  
><em>_And I hate how I need you  
>Oh<em>

Elaine licked her lips and thought long and hard. I looked down at the ground, then wiped my eyes again. Behind my back, I gripped my right arm just above the elbow with my left hand.

Elaine sighed. "Okay, Cody. I need to know that you're not gonna starve yourself or force yourself to throw up again. Can you promise me that?"

I lifted my head and met her eyes. "Yes, ma'am. I promise."

_Feeling so easy  
><em>_Make me skin and bones  
><em>_I'm always on my knees for you  
><em>_Break like it's even  
><em>_When you're leaving it's_

She smiled. "Good. And, if you ever need to talk, just come find me. Okay?"

I nodded and spoke with a soft voice. "Okay."

"Alright. I'll give you two some time alone." Elaine exited the bathroom and disappeared down the hall.

Melissa and I stood awkwardly, for neither of us was sure of what to say.

"I'll let you have some time to yourself," she said finally. "See you at school tomorrow."

"See ya." I closed the bathroom door and turned with a grin as my eyes immediately dried up.

_Too f*cking easy  
><em>_Make me skin and bones  
><em>_I'm always on my knees for you  
><em>_Break it like it's even  
><em>_When you're leaving it  
><em>_Thin where have you been_

There's no way in h*ll I'd stop now. Not when I was just starting to feel small. I need to be smaller, though. Plus, I no longer force myself to throw up. I've gotten so used to it that I puke involuntarily. So it's not like I could stop if I wanted to.

_You always win  
><em>_And you oh  
><em>_You oh_

I just have to be a lot more careful. Both Elaine and Melissa will be keeping a close eye on me for a while. I'll have to fake it, and I'll have to fake it good.

_I will burn all this  
><em>_I will burn all this  
><em>_I will burn all this_

I turned and faced the mirror, looking at my stomach. I felt as though the stress from what had just happened had caused me to gain ten pounds. I frowned and wore a disappointed look on my face. I'll definitely have to burn that off by increasing the time and intensity of my morning run tomorrow. Maybe's I'll come across some stairs or something.

_I will burn all this  
><em>_I will burn all this  
><em>_I will burn all this_

I bit my bottom lip and nodded my head with satisfaction. I turned away and pulled my shirt back over my head. I opened the door, prepared to cut my food into small pieces so that I could easily hide it without Elaine noticing. I will soon be perfect.

_I will burn all this  
><em>_I will burn all this  
><em>_I will burn all this_


End file.
